


You Had Your Chance

by thecarrotofshuutoku (merthur_at_221b)



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Crippling Self Doubt, F slur, M/M, hell yeah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-06 14:27:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4225308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merthur_at_221b/pseuds/thecarrotofshuutoku
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haru and Rei fall in love and it's not as easy as they would've hoped.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Had Your Chance

He was beautiful.  
There was no other way to put it. Haruka-senpai was beautiful, especially when he was swimming.  
In or out of the water, he was stunning.  
Maybe, if Rei could learn to swim like that, it would be worth the humiliation.  
\---  
It was odd how flustered Haru felt when Rei thanked him.  
Haru did nothing. he just swam, and now he was deserving of this fragile butterfly’s thanks?  
Underclassman were weird.  
\---  
The fact that Rei couldn’t swim was...irritating.  
The water didn’t like him. Haru didn’t like him.  
It was sad that he loved the water so much.  
\---  
“Please help!”  
“No.”  
Why did Haru keep resisting him? Begging wasn’t beautiful.  
Rei really wanted to swim. He wanted to be beautiful.  
Haru was the only person who could help him.  
\---  
Haru broke. he broke, and damn him if he regretted a moment of it.  
Despite the fact that in the end Rei was still a ‘submarine,’ Haru enjoyed it.  
He ignoring the tug in his stomach every time he touched Rei.  
He wanted the water to like Rei. The water couldn’t reject one of his friends.  
So Haru helped the bluenette, and it made him happy.  
Haru hasn’t felt this way since Makoto became his friend.  
What is this?  
\---  
Rei was so frustrated.  
It was infuriating to try to do something you love, impress someone, and fail at both.  
Why couldn’t he be free?  
He was stuck in these confines, these bonds that hold him back from tapping into his potential.  
Why?  
And Haru helped him. That made him happy. It was nice to be helped by him. he didn’t feel obligated to, or he would’ve done so in the first place.  
No, Haru was helping him swim because he wanted to.  
That meant that Rei was something important to Haru.  
It was nice.  
(And every time they touched, through help, through water, through accidental brushing elbows, it was magic. It was fire and electricity zinging through his veins.)  
Falling in love with a man isn't beautiful.  
But it was far too soon to call it love, thankfully.  
\---  
“I want to be free like you!”  
Haru wasn’t free. He was far from it.  
He was locked in bonds that held him tight to his past.  
Haru couldn’t let go of him yet.  
It hurt him to swim.  
“I’m not free.”  
Rin.  
\---  
So Haru tells Rei his story.  
And with the butterflies swirling around them, Rei finds himself.  
Rei is happy and content to be sitting next to Haru.  
And if he just so happened to accidentally grab his pinky finger with his own, well, no one else has to know, right?  
Rei feels dirty and wrong and he wants this feeling to stop.  
Rei never wants to forget how amazing being in love is.  
\---  
So the next day, Haru sees Rei.  
And he can swim. The water likes Rei because he isn’t lying to himself anymore. He doesn’t have misconceptions about Haru.  
Rei loved swimming. And he was falling for the one who helped him.  
\---  
Haru couldn’t figure out what it was about Rei that drove him nuts.  
Was it his looks? Sure, he was pretty. But it was more than that.  
Maybe it was the fact that he was so….what was the word?  
Dorky? Quirky?  
Yes. Those two words definitely applied to Rei very well. It was how Rei thought everything could be solved or figured out through a simple equation. It was endearing in a way. And the little idiosyncrasies, like stretching for at least ten minutes before swimming, and going through a very specific routine once he's got on the mount.  
\---  
Rei goes home and does research. On more than just teamwork and math.  
He looks up homosexuality. He looks up if it’s okay to love someone the same gender as yourself.  
And for every positive affirmation, there are ugly words hurled right after.  
Hearing Rei’s father call bad people ‘fags’ doesn’t make him feel better.  
Rei loves being in love nearly as much as he hates it.  
\---  
There is no way what he feels is okay. This is awful, and dirty, and decidedly un-beautiful .  
But Rei has never much liked girls as anything but simple friends.  
It explains a lot, actually.  
But it doesn’t make it easier.  
\---  
So Haru is confused at Reis sudden recoil. He doesn’t spend as much time talking to Haru as he used to. Their friendship is barely staying together.  
It’s time to take action.  
Haru found Rei in a hopeless place, and he is not ready to retract his claws quite yet.  
Who knows who will be the next one to swoop up that boy?  
\---  
“Rei?” Haru asked as they were walking out of the locker room. Well, it was a locker room because it had lockers. More, it was the club room.  
Makoto and Nagisa had already gone up a little ahead. They were already out of sight. Nagisa claimed that they changed too slow, and Makoto didn’t trust Nagisa to his own devices. Gou had left with Miss Ama-kata Miho. So Rei and Haru were alone, no one else in sight.  
“The nearby zoo is opening a new butterfly house. I was wondering if you would like to go to see it with me on Friday?”  
Rei felt the jump in his throat.  
Who cares what anyone else says? If loving him is a sin, then to hell I’ll gladly go.  
“I’d love to, Haruka-senpai.”  
“Please, call me Haru.”  
“Okay, Haruka–Haru.”  
Rei liked the way that rolled off his tongue.  
Haru.  
\---  
Haru nearly flinched when he heard that.  
The way Rei said his name...jeez.  
\---  
Neither of them knew that Makoto and Nagisa were perched outside the window, listening to them.  
They were happy for their friends. Honestly, the tension between them had been affecting the rest of the team. Hopefully the boys would be able to get together officially soon.  
\---  
So they met on Friday in front of the zoo. Rei was calm and composed on the outside, and Haru looked indifferent like usual. But you could see the nervousness and excitement in his eyes.  
“Hello, Haru.”  
“Hello Rei.”  
\---  
They had a great time. Once Rei tripped over the step into the butterfly house, the awkward tension was broken.  
And Makoto and Nagisa had gotten lots of ‘OTP Proof’ and Nagisa eloquently put it.  
\---  
As the two were walking out of the zoo, Haru’s hand accidentally brushed Rei’s.  
He didn’t mind the pleasant zings it sent through his system.  
But when Rei grabbed his hand, and his hand lit on fire…  
His touches were killing him slowly.  
How long could he prolong it?  
\---  
Rei didn’t know why he did it. It just felt natural, and right.  
Haru didn’t pull away until they were at the spot where their routes home diverged.  
Rei missed how perfect his senpai’s hand fit in his own, larger owns.  
\---  
Haru liked how warm Rei’s hand was. It was a great fit on his own, nearly felt as compatible as water did.  
Who knew a match made in heaven that was destined for hell could be this pure and innocent?  
\---  
Rei was reckless. He was reckless, and dangerous, and it made Haru furious.  
How dare he endanger himself? How dare he make Makoro be forced into a position where he had to risk his life?  
Haru had nearly lost his friends that night.  
\---  
“Makoto? I think I’m a bad person.”  
Haru was, that was undeniable. Why is he so damn worried still? Makoto was safe.  
“Why would you think that?”  
“Even though you're safe, I’m still worried about Rei. I’m more worried about him than Nagisa. Isn’t that bad?”  
\---  
“Haru, you’re not a bad person. I think you might love Rei.”  
A beat of silence followed.  
Oh.  
\---  
Well, it explained a lot.  
\---  
“It’s not okay!”  
The words rung in Rei’s ears.  
He had hurt Makoto, had hurt Nagisa.  
He hurt Haru.  
That point struck him the hardest, making his vision swim .  
Rei had disappointed him.  
\---  
“I’m sorry,” Rei said, his voice weak. He mentally cursed himself for showing how much the comment stung.  
Haru just nodded his head, then extended his hand.  
“Don’t make that face at me. How am I supposed to stay mad at you?”  
\---  
A response was given immediately.  
“That’s the point, Haru. You aren’t supposed to stay mad at me.”  
Rei grabbed his hand.  
\---  
And they both blushed furiously.  
Rei grabbed Nagisa’s hand, and Haru, Makoto’s.  
The four walked together, in search of shelter for the night.  
\----  
They were at the lighthouse. Nagisa and Makoto walked ahead of them, inspecting.  
Rei and Haru were still holding hands.  
\---  
“Boo,” Haru whispered, a small smile on his face.  
Rei jumped. “Don’t do that!”  
Nagisa turned around. “Will you two please stop acting like a couple about to enter a haunted house?”  
Rei’s cheeks turned a red previously unknown to exist.  
Haru, without missing a beat, simply said, "Isn't that what we're doing?"  
\---  
Haru was cooking soup.  
It would be more exciting, except it was mackrel soup.  
“Can I try some?” Rei asked, leaning over the pot.  
“Yes,” Haru said. He got a piece of fish from it. He blew on it, before offering it to Rei.  
And Rei took a bite.  
You eating shouldn’t be so erotic.  
\---  
“I’ll never swim with you again!”  
Rei could hear it from the stands. No one else could, but they could all see the broken face that Haru had on, and Rin’s figure walking away.  
Rin had hurt Haru.  
Rei would make him pay.  
\---  
“I want to swim with Rin!”  
The words echoed through his head.  
_Of course._  
\---  
For him, it seemed like time had slowed down. He felt light headed, and his chest seemed to be empty, dark and lonely.  
You were expecting this answer.  
\---  
Even though he had known Haru was going to choose Rin, he couldn’t help the small flame of hope that blossomed in his chest.  
_Why would senpai want to swim with someone whom he has barely known, someone as slow and weak as me?_  
\---  
Rei wasn’t going to lie to himself. He wasn’t weak, and he wasn’t slow.  
Rin was just...stronger. Faster. Better than him at nearly everything.  
\---  
Rei just sighed and shook off the thoughts until later. Because right now, is priority was making the team happy.  
And if them being happy mean him giving up the relay, their shot at nationals, his greatest and most pressing need?  
Then so be it.  
“You still can. He’ll take my spot in the relay, but we need to get to him now,” Rei continued, ignoring the incredulous looks everyone was giving him.  
\---  
Had they not expected this? Did they really not realize that Haru prefers Rin to him, and would want to swim with Rin rather than Rei?  
To be fair, Rei had been in denial about it until very recently. He didn’t like lying to himself, but it hurt a lot admitting someone you loved prefered another over yourself.  
Rei took another breath, then forced a smile. “If we find him in time, he can still participate. Let’s go find him,” He urged.  
\---  
The other two just sighed a small, “Rei,” slipping past their lips.  
But all he could see was Haru’s face.  
He had this awestruck look, as if viewing an angel.  
_Well, Haru, if you wanted me, you had your chance._  
\---  
Rei fought down a wave of nausea.  
He replaced his mask of of a smile and ordered, “Let’s go and find him!”  
\---  
Nagisa and Makoto nodded and raced out the doors, splitting up to the right and left. Echoing calls of the magenta-haired boy’s name were heard around them.  
“Are you sure?” Haru asked softly, looking down. But Rei knew him better than that–he wasn’t hanging his head in shame, oh no, he was hiding his smile.  
\---  
_But you wanted him to be happy. Rin makes him happy. So get over yourself for now. Just because all this defies reason and logic, all these extraneous emotions can be researched later. For now, just focus on finding the damn kid who had entranced your team._  
\---  
He just focused on keeping his breathe calm and even.  
“Of course, Haru. Let’s go find him,” Rei replied, staring at Haru. He was hoping to come off as supportive and fired up, but he probably just seemed scared and hurt.  
_Which you are. And that isn't very beautiful._  
\---  
Haru nodded, and ran away. He at least had the decency to wipe the grin off his face before doing so.  
He stood there after Haru left, with a look of crushing sadness on his face.  
\---  
_Run right now. You can think while you run._  
Rei ran.  
\---  
He was calling out “Rin!” with what one might call zeal. He took no pleasure in this, he hated it.  
\---  
He hated it, every fucking second of it, because he was practically giving away the first person who had finally gotten him to take down his walls. He was feeling like Haru was one person he could completely, totally trust–which up until he had gone begging for Rin, had seemed only a little risky. Now the notion seemed full of naitivity and foolishness.  
\---  
They were just teammates, verging on more than just friends. Nothing romantic at all, now that Rei was looking back on it. Just Haru extending out a kindness to a new member, of the team, an outsider.  
\---  
_From the looks of it, that’s all you’ll ever be_.  
\---  
Even though Haru was civil at the best of times, he had still gone out of his way to be nice and welcoming to Rei.  
_He’s not mean, well he is, but not to people he’s decided to befriend. You were one of them, and that level of closeness was usual between him, Makoto and Nagisa._  
\---  
Rei had always assumed that Makoto and Haru were just friends, but now...now everything he assumed was being torn down.  
_Stop being selfish, suck it up, and find Rin._  
 _Greed is ugly._  
\---  
Rei shook the distracting thoughts from his head. Rin, he was looking for Rin.  
He was looking for Rin, because he wanted to make his senpai happy.  
\---  
“Rei! Have you found him yet?”  
Rei finally payed attention to where he was. Good thing, too–he was a few meters away from running Makoto and Nagisa over.  
Rei slowed to a stop.  
\---  
“No luck, I’m assuming. Let’s find Haruka-senpai. Hopefully he found Rin,” He suggested, before either of the two had a chance to speak.  
The two shared a meaningful look, but then nodded at him.  
\---  
As they took off, a stray thought wormed it’s way out of the dark corners of his mind.  
Ever the outsider.  
\---  
The corners seemed to be getting darker, getting bigger. It seemed as if soon, his mind would be nothing but thinly veiled demons and worries, and no escape.  
But the demons leave once you swim.  
\---  
Bullshit.  
Where there was water, there was Haru. And where there was Haru, Rei had a feeling that he would become a new and interesting form of pain and discomfort.  
How mercifully cruel it is to be hurt by those that we love the most.  
\---  
They approached Haru, and he was being sat on by Rin.  
Now, that in itself was enough to hurt Rei, no need to aid him with descriptions of their exact position.  
But seeing Haru lying on the ground, pupils dilated and grabbing onto Rin’s arms, shifting his knee just so. Rin grabbing his collar, leaning over him, just a few inches away.  
\---  
If Rin wasn’t crying, Rei might not have been able to hold it together. He was barely together now, about to burst at the seams because his. Haru was hurting, and was hurting him, and he was a ticking time bomb and Rei knew allowing himself to get close would only make him a victim, but damn it all because Haru was like a drug and Rei was an addict.  
\---  
I suppose, if you are what you love, then they can both be bombs.  
\---  
_But not together, no, because it’s pretty damn obvious who Haru prefers. Stop deluding yourself with pretty analogies, and nice words like ‘devotion;’ and ‘love.’ This is a fucking doomed romance, one that just might tear you apart. So at least pretend to be calm and controlled now. You must remain beautiful, because today might end your pursuit of true beauty. Because you’ve found true beauty in what you thought you had with Haru. You’ve found it, so there is no need to search for it. Considering that your version of beauty was all a delusion, it’s clear you won’t find it somewhere in reality._  
\---  
“Come swim with them, Rin. It’s your turn to get what you need,” Rei said, thanking every deity he could think of that his voice didn’t crack.  
_Get what you need, take a hit, because I’ve had far too much off this roll. Maybe this is my rehab. Doing it quick is best-get all the hope and desires ripped from you in the same day as someone else gets them handed to them on a platter. Just watch in a brooding silence, because you won’t be able to convince yourself into cheering up._  
\---  
But the look on Rin’s face, the look on the faces of all the people around him, they seemed to flip a switch in him.  
Haru is obviously happy.  
Rin is happy.  
Makoto is happy.  
Nagisa is happy.  
\---  
Rei wasn’t happy, but if everyone he cared for was happy, then Rei wasn’t immature enough to pout right now. Haru was happy, happier then Rei has ever seen him, and if Rin is causing that boy such uncontainable joy, and Rei was just going to end up pushed into the shadows, then damn it.  
\---  
It will be so.  
Rei smiled this time, a real smile.  
“You guys don’t have much time. You better get going,”  
The four all took off running, Rin shouting a, “Thank you, kou-hai!” behind him.  
Time to go see your Prince off. Best catch up to them.  
\---  
“I’ll explain later. Right now, we have to cheer for the team.”  
The other members in the bleachers with him Their gazes held a mixture of confusion and  
pity.  
“Just cheer for them with me.”  
\---  
He pulled out his smile again, and adjusted his glasses, and cupped his hands around him mouth.  
I hope Rin makes you happy. Because if I learn this was all for jack shit, you will have hell to pay.  
\---  
Their team had won–so surprise there. Honestly, with the entire team fired up and swimming with the people they wanted to, experiencing a ‘sight,’ they were bound to be unstoppable.  
\---  
But still, seeing the four of them hug hurt Rei deep in his heart somewhere, somewhere precious and guarded, and it’s the first time anyone has been able to reach that safely hidden part of him.  
\---  
Almost as if in a trance, Rei went down to congratulate them. But they were standing in a familiar way-  
It as they way they looked in the picture that was taken when they were in elementary school.  
Of course they are. These four are fulfilling a childhood dream of swimming with the best team they could ever hope for.  
\---  
“Rei-chan, get in the picture!”  
_One you aren’t a member of._  
\---  
He quickly pulled out a smile and threw up a ‘peace’ sign. He was confident in his beauty at the moment so he didn’t dwell on how he would look in the photograph.  
But after the camera went ‘click!’ he pulled away from the group. It was their victory, not his.  
\---  
Yes, he was on the team, so he should be happy and celebrating with him, but had hoped that they would let him be alone for a bit. He needed to cool off, to let his emotions stew and simmer until he could be in a rational frame of mind. Because the rage was sitting just beneath the sadness and sense of defeat and rejection.  
But he lucked out. The members of the team realised after a few weak attempts that Rei needed some thinking time.  
\---  
_Well, Haru barely said anything more than he was thankful for this opportunity, and that he recognized what a huge sacrifice I’d made. He also said I was an irreplaceable part of the team, but he wasn’t looking at me. He was looking at the boy behind me, the boy with the shark teeth._  
 _RIn, you have given me hope and then taken it away from me. I’m not especially dangerous, which is fortunate for you._  
 _But I’m not sure what I’m going to end up doing to myself, because this was one of the most epic and bitter defeats I have ever experienced._  
\---  
Over the next few weeks, Rei began to gradually distance himself from the team. He still went on all-member trips and things like that, but he never was the one to suggest they study together, or grab dinner together. He rarely objected and removed himself, but was never showing any signs of enthusiasm or excitement at the prospect of those get togethers.  
\---  
Rin had started becoming a fixture at Iwatobi swim club meetings, so Rei had decided to just warm up quickly and get to his normal routine exercises. He didn’t try to push himself, didn’t try to show off. He knew that Rin was far beyond Rei’s own abilities, was far better.  
\---  
What’s the point in showing off if all you succeed in doing is showing how unskilled you are?  
That’s not beautiful.  
\---  
Rei knew that something living in his heart, something that had wormed it’s way in when Rei was at his weakest, his lowest and most vulnerable time.  
The slimy, despicable monster Jealousy had made himself a nice, cozy home in Rei’s heart.  
And he wasn’t planning on leaving soon.  
\---  
Makoto and Nagisa were the first ones to notice the changes.  
Well, mostly Nagisa. Rei didn’t talk to them much, even less during workouts. He seemed to be isolating himself while still being a good team member, connecting with them during relays.  
\---  
It seemed like he was doing all he was required to be doing and was keeping up his position as Valuable Person.  
But these two were convinced that something was bothering him, something that was sensitive and raw, a wound far too new to prod and poke.  
\---  
Makoto had to stave off Nagisa, because all he wished to do was shower Rei with companionship and compliments, make him happy and the old Rei he knew.  
The one who hated things that defied reason, the one who was incredibly like Haru in his fixation with a particular stroke. The Rei that needed to feel and look beautiful at all given times, and the one that had been dragged into their hearts and had made a home there when no one was paying attention.  
\---  
But like he came in, the home he had built was being torn down, bit by bit, but unlike in the beginning, something was different.  
They were always paying attention.  
\---  
You’re going to try to leave slowly, but you still haven’t learned yet. Leaving is like a band-aid. You should do it all at once, fully and completely.  
\---  
“Haru, have you noticed anything going on with Rei lately? He’s seemed so different ever since the relay. You two haven’t been spending nearly as much time together as usual. Did you two have an argument?” Makoto asks as they walk home from another practice. Rin wasn’t at this one, so Rei seemed warmer towards them, but not by much. He was still acting strangely aloof and reserved.  
He had an idea of what the issue was, but Haru, well.  
Haru.  
He’s oblivious and still enamoured with Rin, and isn’t nearly as receptive to his friend’s feeling than he usually is. He’s been so out of sync with Rei lately it seemed as if they were strangers meeting for the first time. It never got better.  
The bond they had formed before, it seemed like it was frayed and weak.  
And Makoto thinks that if it snaps, there will be repercussions no one could possibly expect.  
\---  
But that’s what happens with a pair up like this gets close.  
They either complete each other in ways they didn’t even know needed filling.  
Or they rub against each other in the worst way possible, always at ends and nearing an emotional breakdown at any moment.  
\---  
_You two seemed like the type to definitely fit in the latter the way you’re currently acting. But before, you two were like the former. Undoubtedly._  
 _But actually interacting...damn. You two are so right for each other, Don’t blow this, Haru._  
 _Don’t do that to him._  
\---  
Haru had noticed Rei’s behaviours lately. He’d been distant, withdrawn, and didn’t like to spend time with him.  
Of course it bothered Haru.  
\---  
It made him feel upset and rejected, and it made his heart do strange things, feeling like it was constricted or rising out of his chest.  
He had thought that maybe, just maybe, Rei had reciprocated his feelings, and maybe they could be more than what they were.  
\---  
But damn it, he had not meant to say Rin. It just slipped out, thoughtlessly. Maybe the other two couldn’t see it, but Haru definitely had enough time to see the hurt and pained expression on his face before he covered t with a mask, a fake smile.  
\---  
And Haru thought his apology at the end of the race was enough. But even when it turned out that Rei required something more, Haru thought that what he needed most was time to think about what he’d done and move past any regrets he might have.  
\---  
Haru wasn’t even sure why he fell in love with Rei at times like this.  
\---  
_You know exactly why, you’ve tried to figure it out before. Don’t play dumb._  
Haru was walking home with Makoto. Rei and Nagisa had caught their train home already.  
Makoto interrupted his thoughts with a loud sigh.  
\---  
“I know it wasn’t what you intended it to seem like, but to Rei it most likely looked like you were choosing Rin over him, in nearly everything, including as a teammate.”  
Haru stopped in his tracks.  
\---  
Oh.  
\---  
That was stupid. He was stupid. Haru should have seen it before, should have known how much his words had affected Rei.  
Don’t pretend like it wasn’t a logical conclusion to jump to. You did choose him to swim with You barely try to talk to Rei anymore.  
This is your fault.  
\---  
“I need to go,” Haru says, and did an about face and walked a few steos before breaking into a run.   
\---  
Makoto smiles.  
It took the idiot long enough.  
\---  
Why did Haru continue to talk to Rin after the regional competition?  
He didn’t mind that they kept contact and things like that.  
He was just bothered by how much, always seen together, laughing and joking. Rei had gotten to see that beautiful smile that had broke him in all the worst places. Rin gave him that smile.  
\---  
Rei always knew a fairytale ending wasn’t for him. But it didn’t matter much, to him.  
Because Rin made Haru happy.  
You know what you have to do.  
\---  
Rei was sitting against the wall in his room, reading the same page in his book over and over again.  
He was a bit busy, thinking about his next step to healing.  
\---  
The book he was reading was a good choice for this occasion, and Rei believed it to become invaluable very soon.  
The book was about dealing with loneliness within your circle of friends.  
You need to let him go.  
\---  
Haru raced to the bus station.  
How could he have been so stupidly blind?  
His feelings were returned.  
\---  
Rei did like him, as far more than just friends. It was possible.  
They were possible.  
\---  
But not if you don’t get to his house in time.  
\---  
He wasn’t going to waste the time to get a gift for Rei. He could hear Makoto scolding his social skills loudly in his head, but Haru simply pushed them aside.  
He had other priorities at the moment.  
\---  
Rei was just sitting now, reclining against his wall. Rei was glad his parents weren’t around right now, because there was no way he would be able to handle the questions and inquiries.  
\---  
He knew that the first step to letting go of Haru was to be happy without him–even if only a little. His short burst of contentment at the relay had barely gotten him through the cheering, so there was no hope of summoning and extending that emotion.  
\---  
But he knew science. Science could help him.  
Endorphins make you happy. Endorphins are released when you exercise.  
\---  
Haru was bound to be at the pool.  
But it’s not Haru you’re worried about seeing, oh no.  
\---  
But he might also be in the ocean, so the beach was out.  
You’re worried about what will happen if you’re left alone with him.  
\---  
Going for a run it is, then.  
Rin.  
\---  
Why did he have to let it get to this point? Haru should have been able to pick up on what Rei was thinking. they’d been getting close, closer, and one day can’t suddenly change that.  
\---  
Maybe they had both changed a little because of it.  
But Haru couldn’t let himself consider that they had both changed so much that they didn’t fit the way they did before.  
He refused to think that all that was in the before would turn meaningless.  
Is this how you’re going to divide things up? Everything up to the relay is now considered the Before time.  
Haru just hoped that the damage he did wasn’t irreparable.  
Everything that happened post-relay is considered the After time.  
Because no matter how hard you try, no matter how many times you apologise,  
The in-between is known as the During time.  
Some things just can’t be fixed.  
\---  
Damn, why won’t the train go any faster?  
Haru was sitting on the edge of his seat, jiggling his leg. He usually never had any physical nervous ticks, but he just couldn’t sit still right now.  
Side effect of love.  
\---  
It was nearly 7 at night. Haru knew Rei usually took a nighttime jog at around 8, so Haru wanted to get there before he had a chance to take off.  
You act ways you never thought you would.  
\----  
But his stop was nearly up, so Haru tried to edge his way nearer to the doors.  
Damn the night time traffic.  
\---  
Fifteen minutes later, Rei was still sitting where he was when he resolved to jog.  
He needed to get happy, so he could work on letting go, but sometimes things don’t always work as planned. Besides, he’d kept the bad feelings mostly at bay for the past week.  
He was allowed to mope, right? It was his right to mope and feel sorry for himself after a perfectly reasonable upset.  
Yeah, right. Moping isn’t pretty, so Rei shall not mope.  
Instead, he will...wallow. Wallow in his sadness.  
Ah, yes. More poetic, more beautiful.  
\---  
Haru was running as fast as he could through the streets. His heart hurt, but it was not the fast pace he was making.  
No, it was something far more fragile and strong and flexible.  
It was love.  
Rei.  
\---  
So Rei wallowed. He kept his present vigil at the wall, and let the guard down on his face completely. He didn’t cry, because at some point, pain becomes so great that all usual facets of releasing and expressing such emotions become stopped up, and the only thing left to do is wait.  
\---  
Wait for the waves roaring in your ears and the fire raging behind your eyes and the iron bonds encircling your lungs to recede, to stop.  
But most aren’t that lucky at first. Because if it’s gotten to the point where you feel such sadness and depression, you don’t get immediate relief. Sometimes, it takes a good few weeks, months even, for the negative and toxic forces to leave our body.  
Usually leaving you bone tired. But damn glad, so Rei supposes it balances out.  
\---  
So he allowed his face to twist and contort, but was unsurprised when it did not.  
Some pain, somewhere beyond the raging fires and roaring rivers, there is a place.  
It is a void. It is a complete lack of everything.  
\---  
Most people will never have the displeasure of experiencing the void, but those who have…  
The few things that catapult you out there is usually losing yourself, or someone you love….  
They say coming back to world full of sounds and touches, emotions and feelings, is so much sweeter.  
It’s stupid that Rei still thinks that he might come back, but the hope is still there, nonetheless.  
Once you place trust in a person, it is surprisingly hard to withdraw it.  
\---  
You can make it, Haru. Only a few more houses.  
Here.  
Rei was in this house.  
And here, he was going to fix things.  
\---  
(And maybe, just maybe, get a boyfriend out of it.)  
\---  
Rei heard the doorknob twist. It was most likely Nagisa, since he was the only one who walked in his house without warning.  
Well, then Rei wasn’t going to give him any warning either. He’ll find him eventually, anyway.  
But Rei did need to talk to somebody, so why not the person he first confessed his crush to?  
\---  
Haru walked in. He didn’t hear anything, so he just closed the door. If Rei was concerned, he would have called out or made some motion to get armed. But he sounded relaxed, so Haru kept quiet and made his way towards Rei’s room.  
\---  
No greeting? That was odd. But maybe Nagisa was hoping to surprise him, so he was trying to be ‘quiet.’  
Who knew with Nagisa?  
But Rei started to pick himself up, just when he heard his door open.  
“You should really knock, Nagisa-chan. What if you wa…”  
It wasn’t Nagisa.  
It was him.  
\----  
“Haru-senpai,” Rei said, after he trailed off his previous statement.  
But oh, the way he said his name.  
That was special.  
Haru could hear the pain, hurt and adoration in his voice.  
You caught him when he was vulnerable, and he slipped up. He’s never said your name like this before.  
The love and appreciation, and surprise and confusion.  
But the soft, round edges of his voice were oh so nice and lovely.  
Even if he hasn’t dropped the -senpai yet.  
\---  
“Rei,” Haru said, taking a step forward. He scrambled up from his sitting position. He straightened, and faced Haru head on.  
Rei decided to push away all extra thoughts.  
Just keep calm. Relax.  
Haru is here.  
For you.  
Unprompted.  
You best hope it’s something trivial.  
But before Rei could get his hopes up too high, he felt his collar being grabbed and lips press against his own.  
Much better than trivial news.  
\---  
Rei reacted immediately.  
He wound his arms around Rei’s neck, while Rei placed his hands on Haru’s hips.  
Their lips were like fireworks, explosions in his mouth. They were magic.  
\---  
It was as if Haru had hands with flaming fingertips, because wherever his hands touched–his cheek, his neck, collarbone–were set alight at even the slightest touch.  
It was a major sensory overload, far too much good feeling at once.  
\---  
Haru parted his lips slightly, allowing his tongue to dart between them, glancing over Rei’s lips. The other boy responded by separating his own, and their tongues were locked in a passionate battle for dominance.  
Rei’s hands were running just underneath the hem of his shirt, teasing the skin there with featherlight touches and lingering brushes.  
\---  
Rei was enjoying this kiss, but he needed air. He leaned away slightly, and Haru loosened his previously iron grip on him.  
They were both panting, their foreheads leaning against each other.  
Haru stared into Rei’s eyes, causing a shiver to run down the younger one’s spine.  
\---  
“I didn’t bring a formal gift, Rei. Sorry.”  
Rei just laughed softly.  
“I think that was a good enough present, Haru-senpai.”  
\---  
fin.


End file.
